If Bella Was Not Afraid to Speak Up
by Stronger than you since 1915
Summary: What if Bella was not afraid to take care of herself when she was harassed in Port Angeles? Or if Edward raised his voice just a little too loud when he was warning Bella about his being a vampire? T for a little bit of language.
1. Chapter 1

**This is not supposed to be taken seriously at all. I was just watching the Twilight movie with my baby girl and I started making my own commentary and I decided to type it up. Hope it makes you laugh.**

**When Bella is about to be attacked in Port Angeles…**

Bella was walking with the book she had just bought, excited to finally figure out exactly what Edward and his family really were. Just as she was about to turn down the alley she saw two men at the end and quickly diverted and continued down the sidewalk. Too bad they had seen her and were now coming down the alley towards her.

They began yelling, "Hey I saw you at the dress store. You're pretty." She was overwhelmed. They were crowding her. Finally she couldn't take it.

"Hey yo you trying to look at my lumps? I'll take off my g-string and handle mine! I handle mine!" the men backed up, thoroughly confused and a bit frightened. Suddenly headlights swung around the corner and a small silver car screeched to a halt. Edward leapt out, "Get in." Bella ran to the car but not before she heard one of them mutter, "Crazy bitch."

She threw her book to Edward, "Hey yo hold this," and turned back to the group of pigs, "Yo what's up money you got a problem? You got something to say?" extremely scared the men sprinted away. Bella turned around and got back in the car, satisfied with herself.

Edward looked at her, bewildered and questioning her with his eyes. "What? I grew up in Phoenix. That's how a girl handles herself down there." Edward just laughed, relieved that his little human escaped safe. He put the car in drive and sped off down the street.

**When Edward is showing Bella how scary he is**

"_As if you could outrun me!_" Edward screamed, running at the speed of light to the other side of the clearing. "_As if you could fight me off!_" he threw a huge tree branch and it shattered against the boulder next to Bella's head.

"Okay jeez stop yelling." Edward paused as he was about to throw another branch. "I get it you're scary no need to yell." Edward, a bit put off by Bella jumped down from his perch and stood awkwardly next to her.

"I didn't realize I had raised my voice. I apologize." Bella rolled her eyes and grabbed his hand.

"Don't worry I forgive you, now take me back to town it's freezing up here." Edward complied happily, lifting her on his back and running down the hill back to civilization.

**I really don't know if this is funny. It was funny when I said it to myself but maybe my sense of humor is different than other peoples. Oh and there were a few lines from White Chicks which I do not own neither do I own Twilight, obviously.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you to sugarcoatedslashersmile for giving me a few great ideas for this chapter. Kudos to all that reviewed.**

**When James is about to attack Bella**

James had Bella cornered and he knew that he had won. Well almost won, he didn't count on the pathetic sack of flesh actually speaking up.

"Oh my god I am going to have a bf. I mean I come down here because I think my mom is dying and then this frickin creepy vampire turns up with a recording. You know what? I want to speak with your manager. Better yet I'm going to write a letter." Bella pulled out her cell phone and started typing, mumbling what she was writing as she typed it out.

"Dear Mr. Royal Vampire, I am a human girl in America-" James reached down and snatched the phone from her, genuinely worried that she was going to have the Volturi tracking him down.

Luckily right then Edward swooped in, killed James, and the whole thing that happened in the book/movie was happily avoided. But Victoria is still angry because James is dead.

**When Edward is being angry at Bella because she smells lovely**

Edward was glaring at the human next to him, battling with himself, and trying not to slay all the people in the room so that he could sink his teeth into the delectable girl next to him. There was still at least ten minutes left of class and Edward was reaching the edge of his self control and teetering into absolute meltdown mode.

Somehow he survived and right as the bell rang and he was about to leap from his chair and run out of the school to devour half the forest, the little human beside him did something quite unusual.

She had drawn a thin line above her lips in what looked to resemble a pencil moustache, pulled her pants up, pushed her hair back, lifted her eyebrows, and then sang "And when you see a fine angry guy glaring across the seat do the creep HAA and do the creep HAA." She alternated between lifting her right arm and leg and then her left while staring at Edward. When she finished she wiped her fake moustache off, fixed her hair and pants, and then left. Edward was left alone in the room, thoroughly confused. Was she calling him a creep?

**The time when Victoria and Riley were attacking Edward, Bella, and Seth**

The fight was on. Edward and Seth were growling, crouched and ready to spring at the two nefarious vampires who would stop at nothing to kill the human in the clearing. Bella was scared out of her wits and could not stop thinking of the various ways Edward could be killed. Desperate and hopeless, Bella threw herself between the four beasts.

"Let's tell yo mamma jokes." Astonished, Riley, Victoria, and Seth straightened out of their crouches while Edward, who had come to expect such odd things from Bella by then, simply watched. "Whoever wins lives? Does that sound fair?" the enemy vampires nodded, dumbstruck.

"Okay we get to go first. Yo mamma's so dumb she went to Dr. Dre for a pap smear. Something's wrong Dr. Dre, my coochie's doing the beat box." She then proceeded to beat box. Edward and Seth were laughing uproariously while Riley and Victoria struggled for a comeback.

Finally Riley replied, "Your mom is so stupid I told her to by me some coke from the drug dealer down the street and she brought me Pepsi." Victoria grimaced and Seth booed.

Bella's comeback was much better, "Your mother is so old her breast milk is powdered." She knelt down to scoop up some snow, "You breast feed like this." And she blew the snow from her hand so it burst from her palm in a shower of white. Victoria and Riley looked beyond shocked while Edward and Seth were rolling in the snow, laughing to the point of hurting themselves, well Seth at least could.

Victoria was worried, "Your mother is so fat that when she sat on the rainbow all the skittles fell out." Riley laughed, too hard and everyone knew he was faking. And knew he was about to die.

"Your mother's ass is so hairy it looks like Don King is about to pop out and say _only in America_." And that was how the battle was won. Bella tricked Victoria into an agreement that she had no hopes of winning. If only she knew that Bella had seen White Chicks one too many times.

**Again I hope people think this is funny. And again I do not own White Chicks(funniest movie ever), Twilight, or The Creep by the Lonely Island(the middle story in which Bella sang to Edward in Biology when he wanted to kill her), which is so hilarious you should watch it.**


End file.
